Request for Guitar Lessons

A random request for guitar lessons...

Dear Mr Tetley, I am 106 years old, so i dont think i qualify for your lessins. But i like the way you play and wonder if you could give me sum tips? My fingers are like bloated stumps and they dont do what i want if i move quick. So i go slow. And do weird things when people lose attenshun. Mostly, it works. But mostly i jus wear Isse Miyake. Can you give me advice?

And the reply...

Thank you for your kind words -:)

106 is an unusual age for lessons - but in keeping with european ruling for 'fair do's' I belive that I am compelled to help you with your plight. Have you tried thimbles ?? they are a very accessible and cost effective way to increase finger stamina - and the rubber ones will not weigh heavy on your bloated old bones. They will not increase your speed or dexterity - but they will look very nice - especially if you have an eye for colour.

As for speed - I do belive you may be trying to play notes ?? - this is a costly error - merely catch a bee in a glass bottle and shake it until it becomes angry - then re-create this sound by rubbing said thimbles across your guitar strings whilst lifting your aged foot onto a (small??) monitor and grimacing as if you are in the throes of an orgasm or are being probed rectally (either will work).

The main problem I fear is your aftershave - this is the root of all your playing woes - I suggest that you change to a more pungent flavor. May I dare to suggest Mandate or Kouros? These will add an air of authenticity to your sound and entice your audience to love you in a way usually reserved for farm animals.

Hope this helps.

Dr Nathaniel Tetely Bsc - CIPD - ABC - 213 - LAPD - CIA

Overall, splendid advice, I think. I  thoroughly recommend it. Apart from the bit about 'thrimbles'. I have never heard of these. Perhaps I will try them.